Creative chaos

If this article is true, then my PhD will be a shoe-in

And I’ll be a professor in no time!

Balance

I’m a week and a half into my new job, and I’m terrified about getting behind on my thesis. I’m not sure how to make more time for it – my concern is really that I can’t give it much quality time. Even though my hours at work are pretty good and I’m home at a reasonably early time, I’m finding I do need a bit of “vegging out time” in order to wind down and get any of the emotion from the day out of my system (and dealing with people in their raw, everyday lives is very emotional, I’d forgotten just how much). I had planned on coming home and doing an hour or so thesis work before cooking/eating, but I’m struggling a bit with that. Partly because of the need to veg out for a bit first, and partly because I’m being really really good at not eating between meals or snacking on junk while I’m at work, but this means that I come home really really hungry so I’m having to cook earlier than I had planned. And once I’ve eaten, the last thing I want to do is fire up the old brain cells. I’m not really sure how to balance these demands on my time and on my brain and on my emotions.

I’m also missing the intellectual stimulation of university. Today as I drove around I spotted the spire of the university’s main building in the distance, and felt a little twinge of, well, not sadness exactly, but just a feeling of missing out a bit. The distance has been good for me, it (along with my current job) has given me a lot of clarity about where I think I want to go with life and career (such as it is/will be – I’ll never be the ultra-ambitious type). But I feel like I’m losing my touch very quickly, and that’s a bit scary. I have a couple of small things to do (an abstract for a conference talk I’m giving next summer, and updating my biographical details for the book anthology I’ll hopefully be part of) as well as my current thesis chapter, and they both feel like the intellectual equivalent of climbing Mount Everest (especially the abstract – you’d think after all the talks I’ve given I’d be fine with writing a mere 200 words, but they’re nearly as hard to write as the full paper!). I think I’m going to give them a go now, and then dig out someone else’s thesis (in a sort-of-similar vein to mine) to remind myself what I’m aspiring to. (I know that last sentence has terrible grammar, but I’m tired).

anticlimax

Today was my last full day at uni. I hadn’t planned to do anything to mark it, as it’s (sadly!) not the last day of my PhD – I have every intention of marking the submission of my thesis! (although when it finally comes to that all I’ll probably want to do is go to bed). The guy who shares my office with me has been working from home this week, so I’ve been on my own in the office, and so it’s been quite quiet up there. Today I finished up sorting out the mountain of articles and other random bits of paper that had rather taken over most of the desk, and filing them away somewhere where I have a hope in hell of finding them again. (I also put a ton of random bits of paper in the bottom of my filing cabinet and locked the door, so I can delay thinking about what to do with them!). My health visiting job starts on Monday, and so I’ll be working on my thesis in the evenings, which means that I’ll only go to the office every few weeks to pick up the stuff I need for whatever chapter I’m working on at the time, so having it in findable files will be very handy.

It does feel a bit strange though. With all of my friends who’ve done PhDs, it seems that they are all around right up to submission day so there’s a very definite ‘end’ to their PhD experience and life at the university. I suspect in the two or three days before submission I will have to take time off work to do the mad panicked formatting and printing thing, but that on current estimates won’t be until next summer for me. Now I have to get my head round doing something totally different – I really don’t feel in the health visiting zone at all yet! I’m expecting Monday to be a bit of a shock to the system!

Some answers

I have given this precisely no thought at all, so my answers this evening may be totally different to my answers tomorrow morning. But I have finished my chapter and can’t face marking the OU essays yet, so what better than a bit of procrastination, and as it’s relating to my thesis I can kid myself that I am using my time constructively. So, here are some answers to Tractor Girl’s questions about the experience of being a postgrad researcher.

What have been some of the most stressful parts of the process, and how have you dealt with them?

It depends on the stage of the PhD. At the beginning, it was feeling like everyone else doing a PhD was Brain of Britain and I was a fraud, and that one day they would find me out. When I was on fieldwork, it was picking up the phone and asking a complete stranger in a foreign language if they would give me some of their time so I could interview them (I’m a bit phone-phobic). Since being back and writing up, managing my time has been probably the most stressful thing. I think I dealt with them by a. realising that everybody else felt like that; b. feeling the fear and doing it anyway (cliche but true), and c. er, I’m not sure I have dealt with time-management very well to be honest!

Other stressful things included moving to the other end of the country away from friends, job, security, etc; having a long-distance relationship (that was lovely too, but did add to the time-management issues); and financial concerns. And the fact that I had to do so much work for the teaching side of things (it was part of the deal as I didn’t get Research Council funding – in return for doing all the tutorials and marking essays for the 1st year undergrads, I got my fees paid and a stipend). It was, by and large, a good deal, as it gave me some really good experience, but the time pressure was enormous and I don’t think I managed it very well.

How do you strike a balance between work and the rest of your life?

Not very well! I think there is something to be said for treating it like any other job, and working 9-5 Monday to Friday. But the thing is it’s not any other job – sometimes the distractions and procrastinations are actually really productive times and you need what looks like time out or wasted time in order to fully “chew over” what you’re going to write (sometimes of course they are just wasted time!). But I often bring work home in the evening – as often as not it will sit there in the bag making me feel guilty and I end up taking it back to the office having done nothing in the evening, not even taking it out of the bag never mind looking at it properly, but if I don’t take it home I feel guilty that I could be doing more work instead of the frivolous stuff I do do in the evening. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle, and one that after 4 years I am no nearer getting out of. But again, as in the question above, realising that everyone else does it as well and therefore I am not actually a failure is quite helpful! Having people around (in real life and online) to encourage me to do normal things is also helpful!

What has made you most excited in your studies?

Having the chance to go abroad and meet really interesting people – mainly on fieldwork, but also at conferences here and abroad too. Realising that I’m onto something and not just making it up. Being taken seriously by people I respect. Seeing connections and disconnections between what my respondents have said and what is “out there” in the public domain and trying to make sense of it all. The fact that after 4 years I still think my research subject is interesting!

How do you see theological work relating to the wider world?

The original question came from a panel of theology students – obviously I am not part of a theology department and in that respect am doing secular research. But because of the nature of my subject, religious voices have had (and continue to have) strong opinions which they’re not afraid to shout out. From the perspective of my research, I see theologians (some official, some armchair) doing great damage both to the people and practices they condemn and to their own cause. It’s very sad. I hope that my research can build some bridges, but the reality is if it is not ignored (honestly, the most likely scenario) then it will piss some people off. I still need to work through how I disseminate my research outside of the academy. Which leads me on to …

How do you see your own work as part of your calling?

This is a difficult question in a way. A couple of years ago, before and after my fieldwork, I spent a bit of time with someone much wiser than me discussing the idea of vocation. This included consideration of the possibility of ordained ministry, but we both quite quickly came to the conclusion that that was not where I was at and not where I was being called, at least for now and for the forseeable future (and, with any luck, beyond that as well ). We spent quite some time, particularly after I got back from fieldwork, discussing this very question, which was a useful exercise though possibly not the best time to be doing it, as returning from overseas fieldwork it takes a long time to adjust and process your experiences, and I was also just getting ready to get married (hooray!). In terms of my actual research, I still feel that I can use my experiences and insights in some sort of bridge-building way, but I’m still vague as to how, where, etc. It’s not helped by the fact that, by and large, the religious voices I am dealing with in my research are so strident, shrill, and frankly offensive (not to mention very often bonkers). However, they would feel exactly the same about me, and a major part of my challenge and calling is to find a way of imparting grace when what I really want to do is hit them with a bloody great big Clue Stick.

In general, I tend to see calling and vocation as, in the broadest sense, being who God made me to be. So in that sense my research work is part of my calling in that it is more than a 9-5 job, it is a reflection of me and how I work as well as (more importantly) a reflection of the people and situations about whom I am writing. This is something I’m going to have to explicitly acknowledge and explore a bit in my thesis – for all the talk about researcher neutrality, we all come to our research with our own baggage and expectations and values and – at least in the type of research I’m doing – it would be dishonest to claim neutrality.

How has your own faith been part of your work?

In a very low-key and understated way, I think. It’s a secular study, not a piece of applied theology, so it’s not ever going to be an overt thing. I think though that my faith is part of it in the same way that it was part of my work in nursing and all the other things I’ve done – through treating people with respect, and trying to give them a fair hearing, and taking care of the things (insights, opinions, resources, time, relationships) they have trusted to me. I don’t think that having a faith gives me a monopoly on these actions and ways of working – I’d say all of them are hallmarks of good feminist research methods for example – but for me that’s where they spring from.

What advice would you give beginning students? What might you do differently if you could start again?

For practical stuff, I wrote about this a year ago so would direct you to this post. Also, remember that not only is it not about you, it is totally about you, so reflect reflect reflect and take care of yourself. What would I do differently if I could start again? I hope I wouldn’t spend so much of the 1st year faffing about, I’d really like to be more organised, and I think I’d be more systematic about things like research journalling and that sort of thing. I’d have also got into NVivo from the beginning rather than leaving it till the last minute. Other than that though, I think I’m basically glad with how it’s turning out.

Too embarrassed to ask

Over the past few months I’ve blogged occasionally about a paper I was writing which I hoped was going to be included in an anthology based on the conference I spoke at in Finland last December. So it got through the initial vetting and got sent out to peer review in February or March, then in June I got the peer reviewers’ comments and I sent the revised manuscript back at the end of August.

Yesterday I got an email from the editors of the anthology. This email told me that they had got most of the papers back, were working on the anthology introduction, outlining the proposed structure of the anthology, and were about to start touting the anthology round a couple of publishers (if these publishers don’t accept them then they’ll use their own university press, but they’re aiming higher to start with, you never know).

But here’s the thing. Nowhere in the email does it say that they’ve accepted the changes I made to the manuscript, or that mine is one of the papers that is going to be included. I’m kind of thinking that if they weren’t going to include it then they wouldn’t have bothered sending me the email about their next steps, and they did include some encouraging editors’ comments with the peer reviewers’ comments back in June about how my paper fitted in so well with the overall theme of the book. I’d just really like to see in black and white that they definitely will be including it. But I feel too embarrassed to ask them, in case either a. they decided not to include it after all or (more likely) b. it’s a really stupid question as it’s actually really obvious. I think instead I will run it past my supervisor (who also submitted a chapter for the same book and went through the same process I did, but who also knows the editors quite well, and who is also more than used to my daft questions and insecurities).

I just want to get excited about getting something published, but I don’t want to get excited until I’m absolutely sure, as otherwise I shall feel a bit silly.

Sleepy

I came home early today as there is building noise going on at work and it’s impossible to concentrate. Last year I shared an office with someone who was hyper-sensitive to background noise (she took the battery out of the clock because the ticking was annoying her so much, and when the radiator pipes started gurgling I thought she was going to explode), and I always thought this was a bit extreme. But this year I have found noise that previously I would have zoned out gets on my nerves so much it completely throws me off beam and wrecks my concentration in a way it never did before. I brought a ton of books and articles home with me and was full of good intentions (which I think is the story of my entire PhD, good intentions). Unfortunately I was so tired I had to have a lie down (and of course the inevitable happened, zzzzzz). I am also really struggling to get into my chapter writing – I kind of know what I want to say, but I want to say quite a lot of different things (I am writing my background/literature review chapter at the moment) and in the number of words available to me I can only write about them quite superficially, and this is very frustrating, so I look at the internet instead. I think the only way I am going to get this thesis written is to write it out longhand the old-fashioned way, with the computer switched off, and only switch it on to type it up in the end (I’m serious about that, actually!).

I wish I wasn’t so sleepy though. A colleague told me I looked tired this week (I certainly felt it), and I just feel tired all the time.

We are meeting some friends from York up in town tomorrow though, so I’m looking forward to that, and catching up with an exhibition I’ve wanted to see too. And HD and I are going on another adventure on Sunday too, so life isn’t all dull.

Writing

A group of us in my department, at a similar stage of our PhDs (so, all writing-up, post-fieldwork, in-the-middle-of-panicking) have decided to start up a writing group. We met today to decide what to do – it will involve producing 2 or 3 pages for each meeting (to be taken away and read by the others, and receiving feedback at the next meeting), and also having a defined topic on the day that we write for 10-15 minutes on there and then. The idea is to get us into a bit more of a writing groove, and also get some feedback from people other than our supervisors to get another take on what we’re doing. We’re also hoping that it will give a bit of clarity and focus to what we’re writing, as sometimes you can be so caught up in the panic that you forget what exactly it is you’re doing! We’re going to meet properly for the first time next week, bringing something that we’ve been writing (as an example, it could be a section of a thesis chapter, or a bit of an article or conference paper, or a reflection on why we don’t know what we’re doing, or thoughts about an issue that we haven’t quite got our heads round, or something like that), and we’ve decided that for our 10 minute writing task we are going to write a summary of what our theses are about. This is the bit that, for me, I think is going to be most useful. I have been so caught up in job applications and whathaveyou that my thesis feels totally neglected, to the point that I panic that I can’t remember what it’s about.

Talking of jobs, I didn’t get shortlisted for the job at my university, which to be honest was a bit of a surprise. Not that I think I’m God’s Gift, but I did feel I met all the criteria and some. I guess I didn’t. I did though have an email from a friend who got her PhD a couple of years ago, and has just started her first lecturing job after a series of random jobs here and there and about a million applications for various teaching posts. She was quite blunt, but that’s what I needed – she said that the chances are the people who have been shortlisted have already got their PhDs, and that I am entitled to ask for feedback as to why I wasn’t shortlisted. Which I think I will do, as maybe it will help with future applications. In the meantime though I have found a 6 month research assistant post here which looks like a lot of fun, something I’d enjoy doing if we haven’t got anything else in the pipeline, and HD hopefully has an interview down south soon (he needs to hear again from the agency, who I must say are being a bit unimpressive). I’m trying really hard not to get anxious (as is my wont) but it’s not very easy.

On that note, I appear to have run out of clothes, so had better do some ironing. I have been putting it off for weeks (hence the lack of wearable clothes), which is silly as ironing is the one household chore that I do actually like.

PhD guidelines

This particular PhD comic made me laugh, as even after all these years of being a PhD student I still have conversations with people who assume I get the entire summer off (if only!). Perhaps I shall just print this out and hand it to the next person who does it.

Official Guidelines.

Everything is crossed for a bit longer

I’m meant to be working, but have a few things to get out of my system first!

HD thought his interview went OK, but they are also interviewing someone else next week so we won’t know till then whether he was successful or not. So the usual scriptural prayers that the other person is rubbish (yes of course that’s how it works!) are now ongoing.

I finished the online tests, they are being looked at today by the staff tutors and providing they’re acceptable the interview next week will be confirmed. I can’t think that they wouldn’t be acceptable, but still it would be nice to know. They should get back to me later today, hopefully.

Am currently very cross with the housing benefit people. It is looking likely that, because 7 years ago I did something financially sensible HD may not be eligible for council tax benefit. But if we do what technically we could (cash in a savings plan early, which is the issue – because it’s technically possible to do this that might affect his eligibility) instead of being financially sensible that would be financially very very stupid indeed, and the only way we could recoup from the financial stupidity of it all would be for HD to be unemployed and claim benefit for at least a year and a half. Which is really daft, but I’m discovering that the housing benefit office specialises in daft (with an impressive sideline in muppetry), so I don’t know why I’m surprised. Grrrr.

Found out yesterday that my request for a PhD extension is a bit complicated, so there is no definite “yes”. There is a provisional “yes”, but nothing more can be clarified until the next relevant committee meeting, which is 2 weeks before submission date! My supervisors are saying that I shouldn’t rush to complete by then but stick to my proposed writing-up schedule (which, if I get a full-time job and have to do my thesis revisions in my spare time, would see me aiming to submit just after Easter next year. If I get part-time work (only realistic really if HD gets work) then I’d shave a few months off that. So it’s not like I’m going over the deadline by miles, particularly in comparison with other students who sometimes go years over). I’m feeling reasonably calm about it (believe it or not) but we are having to come up with some more reasons why an extension is justified (basically as far as I can tell they’re not against the extension per se, just not happy with the reasons my department has given so far for me to need one).

That’s it for now. I’d better get back to work (sigh).

Thanks to Auntie Doris, who has just been on the receiving end of an enormous whingeing screed of streams of consciousness from me, the rest of you don’t need to read me whining and moaning. She does have her uses, you know!

What else to tell you? The temperature in my office got up to 30° today, so I gave up and went to the gym instead – I thought if I’m getting sweaty and bad-tempered I may as well be sweaty and bad-tempered whilst actually achieving something, as I’m not convinced my brain ever got out of 1st gear. While I was there I watched the final set of the Williams-Dementieva Wimbledon semi-final (hooray for machines with TV), what a fantastic match that was. I’m glad I’d finished by the second semi though (Williams-Safina) which sounded from the scoreline like it was so one-sided as to be utterly uncompetitive. I predict a Williams winner

I’m having another thesis-related existential crisis (it seems to happen every chapter), though having managed to draw a couple of spider diagrams today I have (for now) decided I know what my thesis is about. This is today though, tomorrow is an entirely different day and I may well have forgotten the point of it by then. I’m getting quite frustrated with it – the stuff I’m writing for journals etc feels like it’s so much better than the stuff I’m writing for the thesis. It’ll be good when it’s all over! By the way, if anyone is in a praying/good vibes/candle-lighting/etc mood, next week a decision will be made about whether or not I can have an extension. I’m working on the assumption that it shouldn’t be a problem (according to my department) but until I hear for sure I will remain a bit anxious about it. If I don’t get it I am, to put it mildly, screwed. If I do get it, then I will feel much less stressed about taking time out to apply for jobs (I’ve got a few applications which need to be in in the next week or so).

Ooh, good (ish) news – I have an interview in a couple of weeks for one of the Open Uni courses I applied to tutor on. As I understand it it’s pretty competitive, but it would be good experience if I could get it. I’ve also (at last) completed my nursing study hours (did I tell you that already, I can’t remember. Actually I think I probably did) so am just waiting for my friend to send the reference back and then I can see about getting some nursing work. Unfortunately I discovered the other day that the nurse bank for Greater Glasgow isn’t recruiting for community nurses at all, but just for certain acute specialities (that I don’t have any experience in, or any desire to work in), which got me a bit despondent, but I’m thinking instead about applying to NHS24 (the Scotland equivalent of NHS Direct south of the border – it’s a nurse-led phone service). Not that I’m desperate to do that either, but it could be something to keep me going for a while till something more suitable turns up.

Tomorrow we are treating ourselves, as what with poorly cars and writers’ block and no jobs etc we could do with a treat, and are going to the Dr Who exhibition at the Kelvingrove Museum. Can’t wait! (will take photos, unsurprisingly).